Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included -
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
CHEERING
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Eh!
Make poverty history. Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
CHUCKLES
Scatter! Party!
The average bloke produces 500 million sperm a day.
That's the population of Brazil in each bollock.
So each of those little tadpole things that makes it through
and ends up creating a baby
is like a rollover Lottery winner, total miracle.
Human beings really are amazing. Well, some of them.
Is that a cock?
No, that's its thigh bone.
And don't say cock in front of the baby.
What can I say? Knob?
If you want to talk about that area why don't you say winkle or doo-dah?
Doo-dah? Fuck off!
Honestly, the men in this family!
No soul.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
< That's right, you dirty...
Shit! I'd hurry up if I were you, your dad's coming. Get out!
Your bag. Take it, quick. Go, go!
All right, Dad?
What's going on?
Nothing. Just talking to lan, that's all.
Did you do the pick-up?
Yeah, it went really well.
Really good directions, too. Spot on.
Who needs sat nav when they've got you?
Good. Well, bring it on home. I'll be back in an hour.
Have you got a death wish or what? I'm going town, I'll see you later.
lan, have you seen a blue bag anywhere?
Yeah, I gave it to your boyfriend.
That's my dad's package, you dick. What did you do that for?
- He dropped it. - Oh, this is bad!
This is really fucking bad.
Right, come on. He can't have got far.
It's nothing to do with me, mate.
You just gave away a shed load of coke meant for Paddy Maguire.
What do you think he'll do when he finds out?
There goes my night off. Mickey!
Willoughby? He'll get lynched.
Be nice to have something different though, wouldn't it?
Not just another Tracey, Darren or Debbie.
No offence, Debbie.
Well, I wanted to call you Shanty.
Why didn't you?
The baby's name is...
Sh...
Debbie.
Anyway, names are hard.
You've got to have one for a girl and one for a boy.
Why don't you just call it Pat? Then it's fine whatever it is.
You can't call a baby Pat. It's an auntie's name.
Katie, love, could you pass that fag for me? I can't...
Ah! It kicked!
Can I feel it?
Just there.
Can I?
It's amazing.
Not now, Liam.
What about Wolfgang?
Get used to it, mate. It's going to be baby, baby, baby from now on.
< Or Eugene - that's a nice name.
You can't call it Eugene. Come on, Katie...
Katie!
Spit them out. Spit them out.
Frank! Frank!
Personal use, officer.
Are these yours?
What?
The pills, the bloody pills. Katie's had some.
Oh, fucking hell!
- What's going on? - Call an ambulance.
I'm dead. I'm so fucking dead!
Maybe he'll bring it back.
Two kilos of coke? I don't think so.
Have you got his number or anything?
Look, I'm not stupid!
I don't know his number. I don't know where he lives.
I don't know what his shitting star sign is. He's just a shag.
Where did you meet him?
Ancoats abattoir.
You pulled in an abattoir?
I got a puncture outside. He was just knocking off.
You know where he works? We'll find him in the morning.
We've lost the Friday pick-up.
It's got to be cut, bagged and shipped out for the weekend.
Me dad's going to chop me bollocks off if I'm not back tonight.
If you've got any better ideas, let's hear 'em.
I'm going home.
I'll see you in the morning.
'Can someone tell me what she's taken? '
What the fuck were you thinking?
It was an accident.
Can everyone just calm down?
It wasn't my fault!
I'll kill him!
Can someone please tell me what she's taken?
If anything happens to her, you are dead, Frank. Dead.
These aren't drugs.
You what?
They're mints, they're just mints.
Are you sure?
Yeah, travel mints. I've got some in my glove compartment.
Thank you, God.
You stupid, stupid bastard!
Look, there's no harm done.
But you've got to be more careful.
Next time, you might not be so lucky.
It's just a mix-up. It won't happen again.
He doesn't live here, so we'll keep him out of the way.
You what?
Come on.
Thanks again for everything.
DOOR SHUTS
What did you say that for?
They could tell the Social.
Don't be daft. Like he said, there's no harm done.
Only cos you've got ripped off. What happens next time?
I don't know. I'll be careful.
That's reassuring(!)
I can't have him under the same roof as Katie.
He's got to go.
What fucking?
Hold on, hold on. If you look on the mat,
you'll see a pile of bills there
addressed to Mr Vernon Francis Gallagher,
not Mandy "Cuckoo in the nest" Maguire. This is my home.
No-one's telling me to leave.
Am I right?
Well, thank you for your rousing vote of support(!)
Can you blame them? You're not fit to be around children.
Go to your dad's house, cos that's a drug-free zone, innit?
- Piss off, Frank. - OK, OK. I'll make this easy.
Either she goes, or I do.
I pay to live here. That's more than you do.
I'm talking to my family. Carl?
You're out of order, Dad.
Debbie?
No-one's leaving.
Least of all Mandy.
Who do you think pays them bills on the mat? She pays her way.
Fucking... Monica, you gonna back me up here?
You owe Mandy an apology.
I owe Mandy an apology.
Right, go on. Out!
Go on, all of you!
Bunch of Judases. Go on. Sling your hooks.
I'm done with you.
We've got two more waiting downstairs.
Five minutes. All right?
Try and get the money this time.
Yeah, all right.
Time's up, lover boy.
Aye.
Same time tomorrow?
Listen, Kelly, I can't. I want to. I really do, but I'm skint.
I can't keep running up a tab.
Tell you what, fix the bed for us,
and I'll give you a freebie tomorrow.
It's not even broken.
Can't work with a broken bed, can I? I'll lose a fortune.
Come on, have a heart, for old times' sake. It's just for one night, Karen.
You're not staying here.
Have you heard about justice? It's a matter of principle.
Suffragettes, Nelson Mandela, Bobby Sands. Ring any bells?
Four hours shampooing the carpet after the last time you stayed.
Ring any bells?
Hey, Gloria, there's not any chance that I can?
Bunty!
Fuck off, Frank!
Degs, Degs, Degsy, mate.
I know it's been five years,
and I know we didn't leave things on the best terms, but...
'Fuck off, Frank.'
CAR ALARM WAILS, DOG BARKS
TELEVISION BLARES
Where did you go last night?
Kipped at a mate's.
You used to be a better liar.
You used to be six.
Just swallow your pride and come home.
I'll talk to Mandy, but you have to apologise first.
It's me that needs the apology, and not just from her.
Beware Greeks bearing lager.
Come on, don't be daft.
Oh, sorry for being cranky, didn't sleep
very well last night on account of the knife in me back!
Why not just come home? Say sorry and we'll work it out.
Have you ever heard of injustice?
Have you ever heard of the Big Issue?
Don't you worry. I can look after meself!
Liam!
Can't find me goggles!
Well, if you kept your stuff tidy, you could find 'em!
Mum, have you seen me goggles?
No, love. Listen, I'm really, really sorry,
but would you mind if I didn't come today?
Only I'm feeling a bit... run down.
But they're giving out prizes!
Carl will go with you.
- Mum, I'm going into town. - Oh...
All right, I'll drop him off.
Listen, love. Just do your best and tell me all about it later.
Good luck!
I've seen this before. The baby taking over.
This is the easy bit.
Wait till they put a cot next to your bed.
Won't it go in with Mum?
Think they'll put a baby in the same room as Dad?
No - it'll be in with us.
Well, you. Cos once I get some money, I'm out of here.
Tell you something.
Mum'll make you chuck half your stuff before the baby comes.
You don't know what women are like with babies.
They're mental.
Cos you're the youngest, Mum'll make you feed it,
bath it, take it out for a walk,
even change its nappies.
I tell you, mate, you're going to be a slave for the next few years.
BABY'S CRY ECHOES
Breakfast.
Any sign yet?
No, nothing yet.
What?
Just wondering how you ever manage to pull.
Skin-tight tops, works every time.
We should go out together on the pull. As a team, like.
Pull anywhere, me. I've got perfect, um, what do you call it?
Gay-spotting vision thing.
Right, watch this.
Right, well, he's not.
He's not.
He's definitely not.
He's not.
He's not coming.
We can't sell them baking soda again.
People are getting wise.
Should have sent our Shane.
You think Pongo'd do better than Coco?
Jesus!
How did my golden bollocks empty out those two fucking jokers?
Don't look at me, it's not all nature.
There's a bit of nurture, too - that's both of us.
I don't think I'm to blame for Shane falling for some scabby crack whore.
And now he wants to bring her to dinner, for Christ's sake.
You've got to remember you're a lot to live up to.
They only want to please you.
Show you they're up to snuff.
Think about that. Cut them a bit of slack, eh?
Will you think about what I said, look out for the boys?
If Mickey's fucked this up...
I will personally kneecap the little gobshite.
Bloody hell, Mickey!
What? Got trapped bacon.
Nice!
There he is!
Oi!
Where's me bag?
I lost it, I left it on a bus!
Don't lie to me, arsehole!
All right, all right!
I've flogged it.
For fuck's sake! Where's the money?
I spent it. On these.
Where's the rest?
What do you mean?
Those don't cost 20 fucking grand!
20 grand? The lying bastards, they gave me a hundred quid.
You little dick, I'll break both your arms!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Who did you sell it to?
Eddie Rouse's youngest lads.
Where can we find 'em?
I don't know.
Break his arm!
All right, come on! 25... What are you doing?
Come on!
That's it, yes!
I love you.
What did you just say?
I don't know.
"I love it" or something. Pass us me fags.
I thought you said...
Fags.
You know tomorrow?
Instead of one hour, can I make it two? Or three, for Sunday lunch?
It'll cost you.
Shall we say... a shelf and a wardrobe?
Deal.
Look at the state of you.
Some fucking protest.
I bet Gandhi wasn't covered in birdshit.
Stick at it, kid - you're right, they're wrong.
So keep your dignity.
Frank, you're barred!
How many times?
Hang on!
Come on.
BO YS LAUGH
Do you want a chip?
Go on, then.
Oi, Granddad!
Do you want a drink?
Piss off and grow some pubes.
I'm serious. I'll show you where you can get some - for free.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Fucking have these lads.
What?
Me mate wants a word.
We're looking for a blue bag with some stuff in it. Have you got it?
If you've got 30 grand.
30 grand, are you taking the piss?
Right, that's it, we're telling Paddy, he can take it from here.
We're not telling him anything!
Wait! Me dad's got some money stashed in his bedroom.
We can sneak in...
Are you mental? Just tell your dad you've been robbed by these blokes.
We're not telling me dad!
It's the first time he's let me do the pick-up. I won't let him down!
You already have!
Aargh!
Get a grip!
You think I'm stupid! Everybody does!
You, me dad, everyone!
Well... piss off!
Just piss off!
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
TV IS ON
Knock, knock.
How was swimming?
I got third place.
Oh, never mind!
Listen, I know Mummy's been a bit tired lately,
but that's because Mummy's body's going through lots of changes.
It'll all be worth it,
cos soon, we'll have a lovely new baby in the house.
Won't that be exciting?
Feeding, walks, nappy changes,
there'll be lots of things to do every day.
Cos it's not just me having this baby, you know - it's you, too.
SNORING
There you go, free booze!
Ha-ha, very funny(!)
Eh, I'll give you a fiver if you twat him.
Fuck off!
Bring back National Service.
Oi, mate, give you a fiver if you batter this bloke.
Fuck off!
Oh my God. Look at that! Look at him.
Are you getting all this? You getting it all?
Go on!
Come on, you started it!
Fucking hit him!
Oi, Granddad! Do you want a fiver or yer shoe?
Go on, go on!
All right, fuck off.
School's out, I'm off!
Faggot.
Unless youse wanna see some happy knee-capping,
I'd get going right now!
Thanks.
I didn't do it for you.
It's bad for business having little shites like that on your turf.
Talking of which, have you seen Mickey?
No... Yeah, I've seen him.
Where?
Maybe a tenner would help me remember.
All right! I haven't seen him, I haven't seen him!
Jesus, Frank, look at the state of you.
Go home, take a bath.
You stink.
I'm making a stand.
(I'm making a stand.)
Can I help you, love?
I'm waiting for me dad.
Oh.
Well, he's...
He won't be in today.
Why not?
He's barred, love.
Sorry. Hey... Shall we get you some crisps?
What flavour do you want?
(Paddy) This is a real fucking mess. >
(Mimi) Who are you gonna go to? >
Big Keith.
I thought he was inside.
Well, he got out last month.
I don't trust him.
Well, beggars can't be choosers, darling.
We're not gonna make on this.
I'd rather lose money than customers.
I mean, fucking Mickey! Where did we go wrong with him, eh?
He's unreliable, he's got shite for brains,
and he hangs around in that pink poof's palace like a little girl!
And before you say anything, I am trying
to be a more supportive father,
but it's pretty fucking difficult at the moment!
Maybe there's something I can do.
To help you... unwind, get things in perspective.
ZIP OPENS
COINS JANGLE
(Paddy) A-hem! Good evening, officer(!)
KNOCK ON DOOR
Can I come in?
I'm busy.
Ta.
Did you get the money, then?
Don't ask.
So what's your plan?
I dunno.
I think...
I need your help.
Right, you try and twat me,
then you tell me to piss off,
and now I'm supposed to help ya?
Don't you think you'd better say something first?
I'm unreliable.
I've got shit for brains.
I hide away like a little girl at the slightest sign of trouble.
I drive around in a poof's palace.
And I'm no kind of man.
I were just looking for a "sorry".
Come on, mate, do you want a brew?
RAIN PATTERS
Where's the rest?
A couple of the girls got thrush, it puts the punters right off.
Maybe you can get your Shane to pay his tab.
Shane's got a tab?
Three grand.
You, out, now.
What are you doing with my son?
He's a punter.
A punter with a rich daddy who could pay off his debts.
What? No!
Listen, I've run a thousand con tricks, so don't kid a kidder.
What are you on about?
This meet-the-parents Sunday-lunch bollocks tomorrow.
Shane's not exactly the brightest tool in the box,
but he can still do better than you.
A hooker... with a smack addiction.
Not exactly a catch, are you?
So here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna take this...
...and fuck off!
Or so help me, I will end... you.
It looks like there's no-one in.
Have you found it yet?
No!
Come on!
Got it!
Shit.
Come here, you bastards!
Shit!
lan, wait!
Aaaah!
- Mickey! Mickey! - I'm gonna fucking kill you!
- Mickey! - Aaaah!
Aaaah!
I can't believe you just did that.
Neither can I.
Thanks, mate. Seriously.
Listen, I'm not going home.
Are you all right to walk from here?
If you run off, you'll just be proving your dad right.
I already have! Why do you think he doesn't let me in on the business?
Cos of fuck-ups like this!
Look at what you've done in the past 24 hours -
intimidation, breaking and entering, risking your life for a bag of drugs.
You're a proper Maguire! Stand up to your dad!
I can't.
I just can't.
Mickey...
I'm sorry.
Mickey!
Where have you been?
I've been staying at a mate's, big luxury flat in Salford Quays.
Massive telly, surround sound, bidet, the works.
Can I stay there, too?
You?
What for?
I've run away.
Oh, right.
Well, I don't think there's enough room for both of us,
so you should probably be getting back home.
I'm not going home.
Liam, you're seven.
Eight and a half, and I'm not going back!
All right, all right! Chill your boots.
So what's your plan, then?
I've got a tent.
Don't know how to put it up, though.
Well, I suppose I could hang around for a bit, help you put it up.
Do you know how?
I'm an adventurer, Liam.
Before you lot was born, I was sleeping under the stars,
catching rabbits in traps,
making fires by rubbing two sticks together.
You can make a fire?
Yeah, yeah, well, if I had some dry wood or kindling, I could show you.
Can we buy some?
Yeah, come on.
Night, Liam.
SIRENS WAIL
Can I have a taste of your lager?
BURPS
Have you got any Es? >
No. Have you?
No.
Could I have some if you did?
Not till you're 12, son, not till you're 12.
I suppose...
I'd better be getting back to me mate's.
You can stop here if you like.
Um...
Well, I suppose he won't miss me for one night, will he?
Nah.
Party.
LAUGHS
I think we've got a problem.
CHUCKLES
Liam! Liam!
How could you not notice he weren't in his room?
It were dark.
There's no sign of him anywhere.
I'll check the swings.
You check his mates' houses and we'll meet back at ours in an hour.
Right.
Liam!
'You have 16 new messages.'
BEEP
(PADD Y) 'We need to get cracking, Mickey, hurry up.'
'Where the hell are you, Mickey? '
'You'd better get back here in the next 10 minutes... '
'Mickey, it's Mum. Listen, I don't know where you are,
'but do us a favour and let us know you're all right.
'I'm worried sick here. We both are.
'Love you. Bye.'
(Liam) I'm not going back.
I ran away from home once, about your age.
Wasn't as smart as you, though.
Didn't bring my own tent.
Ended up kipping in the back of the neighbour's Vauxhall Viva.
Woke up in Norfolk the next morning. Have you ever been?
- No. - Don't bother.
Very flat, Norfolk.
Very backward people.
Probably still using Betamax.
So why did you run away anyway?
- I don't want the baby. - That makes two of us.
Why are you having it, then?
SIGHS
Son, when you have 'em...
lickle babies...
you love 'em.
Even if they're real mingers.
I mean, when lan was born, he came out looking like David Gest.
Really?
Yeah. God's honest truth.
And if you have a younger brother or sister, well, that's a bonus, innit?
Why?
Well, you'll always have someone to batter around when you're annoyed
and someone whose pocket money you can nick.
But Carl said I'll have to look after it and stuff.
Look after it?
With all them women about?
Apart from your mam and Debbie, there's loads of 'em.
You want to see how women behave when there's babies around.
You won't have to do a bloody thing. Neither of us will.
But it'll be in my room.
Nah, not for years yet.
I tell you who will be in your room though - me.
Ever tried kipping next to a baby?
Noisy little bastards.
HE IMITATES A SHEEP
Die, bitch.
It'll take more than you, limp dick.
LAUGHS
Oh, look who's here. It's the return of the prodigal twat.
I've got summat to say. I need you to listen.
You're always worth listening to, son, that's part of your charm.
Just shut it, will ya?
Shut it and listen to me.
I know you think I'm a twat, but...
I've worked my arse off the last two days
risking me life,
seeing things no-one should ever see.
MIMI MOANING
I'm tryin'.
I do me best and sometimes, best in't good enough.
I've lost your fuckin' coke.
I haven't sold it, I wasn't robbed, I fuckin' lost it.
I made a mistake.
I know what you have to do.
I'm making it easy.
I'm going, for good.
I won't embarrass you any more.
I'm off.
You lose my coke and think you can walk away? ...Wait.
Do I scare you that much?
You're our boy,
our baby.
Blood is...
...thicker than a bag of fucking chemicals, son,
even if they are worth a...
This is family, Mickey.
You don't walk away from it.
You can't.
And even if you ever do,
it'll still be there, waiting,
for when you decide to come back.
There's nothing you can do
to stop you being our son.
(Mimi) That's your dad's way of saying we love ya.
Steady on there, Mimi.
Don't go spoiling the boy.
What?
I've lost your money.
Obviously, you will have to pay me back.
But we'll work out a payment plan...
...if you stay.
Good.
Now piss off and let me thrash your mother at Blade Killer 7,
or whatever it's called.
Unless there's anything else you wish to get off your chest.
Mum, Dad...
I'm gay.
LAUGHS
(On computer game) 'Round two, fight.'
Die, bitch.
- Shane. - Are you ready, then?
I'm not coming.
A mate of mine's opening a place in Malaga and she's offering me some work.
How long for? When are you coming back?
There's nothing to keep me here.
What about the last few weeks?
I've been playing you.
You what?
I was getting you into debt
so I could sting your dad for the money.
You said you loved me.
I say that to everyone.
It's me job.
DOOR SHUTS
Probably for the best, love.
Your mother's right. It would never have worked.
You wouldn't have been able to kiss her without...
thinking about what she'd choked on at work.
Paddy, give him a break.
I'm sodding starving, me.
Where's Kelly?
Fuck off!
Will you just fuck off? Fuck right off!
For what we are about to receive,
may the Lord make us truly thankful. Amen.
She dumped him?
Yes.
Fuckin' hell, how do you get dumped off a prozzie?
Ah!
Right, we'll have no more talk about workers in the..."sex industry".
We're here to have a happy, family Sunday. Got that?
SOBS
I'm going out for another look.
Just wait until you've eaten and then we'll all go.
Brought something for ya.
Oh, thank you, Lord.
We can't have the lickle lad roaming the streets, can we?
Where did you find him?
You just need to know where to look, that's all.
Nice one, Dad.
Come here!
Let's take this off.
You all right?
- (Liam) Yeah. - I'd best be off.
I only came to bring Liam back.
Do you want a brew? There's one going spare.
Don't know. Depends on what you've all got to say to me first.
Fine. I accept your apology.
Is there any chance of a bite to eat or what?
(lan) 'Don't know if I ever want to be a dad.
'Some people say it's the best thing they've ever done,
'made their life complete and all that.
'Maybe it did.
'Or maybe they just had really boring lives.'
What?
'There's one thing I do know about being a parent.
'Never raise your hand to your children.'
What?
'You leave your bollocks unprotected.'
(lan) Drive.
(Paddy) Come on, you little Mimi the Minx.
(Mimi) Right, you, get in there. Come on.
Get 'em off!
LAUGHTER
(Paddy) Oink, oink, oink!